If you’ve given birth to a child in a hospital, you’ve probably had this conversation. (If you’ve given birth to something other than a child in a hospital, you’ve probably had a very different conversation, and that’s your business). Try out my variations illustrated in the dialog below to avoid any maternity room charges.
Discharge Nurse: OK, you’re good to go, Here are your aftercare instructions. Remember, nothing in the vagina for 6-8 weeks.
New Mom: (Uncomfortable pause). What, nothing?
DN: That’s right.
NM: So, no...like, you know...marital aids?
NM: No dildos.
NM: No massagers, buzzers, ticklers, vibrators?
DN: None of those things.
NM: Definitely no penises, then.
DN: Definitely not.
NM: Other vaginas?
DN: How would you...never mind. No.
NM: Jeez. So, no toys at all?
DN: No penises, no toys.
NM: Not even Yo Gabba Gabba? I mean, have you seen Muno? ‘Cause he looks like a giant…
NM: No Legos?
DN: Abso-fu...g...k...not. Just no.
NM: Not even the occasional Beanie Baby?
DN: (Frustration showing). No way!
NM: How ‘bout the real baby? What if I want to put him back?
DN: That is REALLY not something you can do.
NM: Really? Total no-returns policy?
NM: (Sighs). You’re making this extremely difficult.
DN: It’s really not that hard to understand. Nothing in the vagina. For your health. It’s off limits.
NM: But that’s just a lot to ask, don’t you think? That we lose access to a whole body part for 6-8 weeks?
DN: Why? How many things do you need to use it for?
NM: (Momentarily at a loss, before remembering sarcasm). Well, it’s just such a safe, convenient place to store things, isn’t it?
DN: (With thinly veiled disgust). If you say so.
NM: I do! I mean, I usually keep my wallet in there. What am I supposed do with it now?
DN: (With utter loss of tact). Have you tried shoving it up your ass?
NM: Well, sure. I mean, where do you think I’ve been keeping it since I got here?
DN: (Glaring). Just take your discharge instructions and go, please.
NM: Fine. I guess I owe you guys a copay. Let me just get my wallet…
DN: That’s ok, really.
NM: No, I insist! (Begins to reach behind back).
DN: No, no, it’s fine. We’ll waive it. Really.
DN: Really. Just go.
NM: Well, okay… (Goes on to begin happy life with new baby and off-limits vagina, several hundred dollars less in-debt than she thought she’d be).