Why are My Kids Crying?

We live in a mostly-singles neighborhood, in an all-singles building. That's right, we are the ONLY family there. It engenders much misunderstanding and resentment, and a delightful barrage of inane comments, my favorite being: "Wow, your kids sure cry a lot."
Rather than 1) Screaming and tearing my hair, 2) Beating the commenter about the head and shoulders with a childhood development book, or, god forbid, 3) Patiently explaining that babies and young children cry because it is their only way to communicate...I've instead drafted this list of responses that I think should effectively shut down that line of commentary for good.

"WOW, YOUR KIDS SURE CRY A LOT!"

Responses:

"Only when I'm beating them."
"Only when I'm not beating them."
"It's just 'cause they're starving."
"It's just 'cause they're fat. Fat little crying fatty bastards."
"Really? I must have been too drunk to notice."
"Really? I must have been too drunk to care."
"It's only because they haven't yet been baptized into our Lord's holy light."
"It's only because they haven't yet been pledged to our Dark Lord's unholy service."
"No kidding! Know where I can get some earplugs?"
"No kidding! Know where I can get some heroin?"
"I'm sorry. I'll go get more duck tape."

That should about do it, don't you think?