Some food reviews that any New Mom should find helpful. Not.
Let’s face a common New Mom problem - getting yourself fed. You know that fat little milkleech is going to be stuck to your front for many months. You pretty much have to learn to eat above, on, or around him. Here are a few food reviews you might find helpful.
Burger, Fries, Coke
Safety Rating: Good
This one’s a pretty safe bet. The kid might get a light dusting of salt. But even slippery pickles can be plucked right off a fuzzy little baby head, no harm done. You can even use the secret sauce to give him a junior fauxhawk. Be careful with the coke, though. Rumor has it that spilling coke on a baby will cause worms to come out.
Chocolate
Safety Rating: Excellent
It's not corrosive, it's not abrasive...the only problem with this one is that when little bits fall off and melt on baby’s hot little body - or yours - you’ll earn yourself a round of everybody’s favorite game, “Poop or Chocolate?” Honestly, that’s is NOT a game you want to lose.
Pizza
Safety Rating: HAZARDOUS
Two words: Molten. Cheese. Do you really want to have to explain to your darling child, for the rest of his life, why he was an awkward splatter-shaped scar? Maybe you could try to convince him you gave birth inside an active volcano. Good luck with that.
Steak
Safety Rating: HAZARDOUS
Two words: Steak. Knives. Steak knives and babies just don't mix. You could always eat it caveman-style, dripping droplets of blood and fat on your baby's head. But you will probably create a serial killer. Or a chef. Or both.
Salad
Safety Rating: Good
There's not really too much that can go wrong here. Stick to oil and vinegar dressing. You're supposed to oil babies anyway, right? And all the health-foodies will tell you that vinegar is wonderful as a health and beauty product. Do be careful handling an oiled & vinegared baby afterwards though; little suckers get slippery.
Let’s face a common New Mom problem - getting yourself fed. You know that fat little milkleech is going to be stuck to your front for many months. You pretty much have to learn to eat above, on, or around him. Here are a few food reviews you might find helpful.
Burger, Fries, Coke
Safety Rating: Good
This one’s a pretty safe bet. The kid might get a light dusting of salt. But even slippery pickles can be plucked right off a fuzzy little baby head, no harm done. You can even use the secret sauce to give him a junior fauxhawk. Be careful with the coke, though. Rumor has it that spilling coke on a baby will cause worms to come out.
Chocolate
Safety Rating: Excellent
It's not corrosive, it's not abrasive...the only problem with this one is that when little bits fall off and melt on baby’s hot little body - or yours - you’ll earn yourself a round of everybody’s favorite game, “Poop or Chocolate?” Honestly, that’s is NOT a game you want to lose.
Pizza
Safety Rating: HAZARDOUS
Two words: Molten. Cheese. Do you really want to have to explain to your darling child, for the rest of his life, why he was an awkward splatter-shaped scar? Maybe you could try to convince him you gave birth inside an active volcano. Good luck with that.
Steak
Safety Rating: HAZARDOUS
Two words: Steak. Knives. Steak knives and babies just don't mix. You could always eat it caveman-style, dripping droplets of blood and fat on your baby's head. But you will probably create a serial killer. Or a chef. Or both.
Salad
Safety Rating: Good
There's not really too much that can go wrong here. Stick to oil and vinegar dressing. You're supposed to oil babies anyway, right? And all the health-foodies will tell you that vinegar is wonderful as a health and beauty product. Do be careful handling an oiled & vinegared baby afterwards though; little suckers get slippery.